he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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