So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we're making bets on your personal life
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
