Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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