The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How naked do you want me to be?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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