At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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