***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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