I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
