It's like God shit irony all over that family
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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