Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
