Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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