go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
