He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
