Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
