Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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