3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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