using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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