I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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