After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
