Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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