I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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