I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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