I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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