It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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