I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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