They should really pass out barf bags in church
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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