I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
