My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i've created a new STD.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
