When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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