last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
