Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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