remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
