I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I deserve this hangover.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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