Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
