He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
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Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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