Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
