Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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