My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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