I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
