Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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