On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
