shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
