Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
