so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
