k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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