I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
