I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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