buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
