I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you traded sex for a burrito?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
