So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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