I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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