mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
