Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I love you. Go after that dick
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
