He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
