Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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