I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
